Let me begin by saying, this post in no way is meant to infer that my husband/family is not there for me. The feeling of being alone in this illness means that, no one really understands what I'm going through unless they've walked in my shoes, or live(d) with a chronic illness.
My family (husband and kids) is always here for me whenever I need anything. My need now, however, includes having someone to be here to listen, understand what I'm going through and how this illness effects me, comfort me and remove the feeling that I'm going through this alone. For this, I go outside my family. I cry alone or I cry in the arms of friends or strangers.
My family views me as this strong person, which I was until two years ago. I can't cry on the shoulders of my loved ones because it's actually viewed as complaining or whining. In reality, it's just who I now am and my way of expressing how hard it is for me to stay strong when I'm in so much pain, dealing with so many, constant or come and go, symptoms and managing the lose of so much independence.
They don't understand how I must be completely overwhelmed and drained from living with so much darkness day in and day out. I'm so tired and weak from everything and all I have the strength to do is cry, alone. It depresses me more because I don't have my family to lean on emotionally.
There was a time when I broke down and just let all the tears and words flow. My husband backed away, across the room, spoke a few words off and on and sat, waiting for me to finish crying and feeling sorry for myself. This (his not being there to comfort me during this emotional break down) only made me feel worse, cry harder and feel more depressed.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I've suppressed my feelings around my family for 2 years for fear of having my struggles and loses belittled/demeaned. I always smile and say "I'm fine", because the few times I've tried talking to either of them (husband and kids), I get this look of, "I'm bored, aren't you done yet" or "oh, no, here she goes again with her poor me pity party" (even if the last talk was 6 months prior). Also, the look in their eyes tells me that they will never understand how I feel or what I'm going through. Needless to say, I am truly alone in expressing "how" this illness is effecting me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I understand exactly how you feel as I get the same response from my husband. I have not been feeling 'well' for about 8 years and after going to the Dr with various symptoms (and being made to feel like a hypochondriac)I was sent for an MRI scan 3 years ago, where it was discovered that I have a large syrinx on my cervical spine. I am also in constant pain and feel always feel weak and 'ill'. Doing anything physical i.e. hoovering, having a shower, dusting, leaves me feeling exhausted and needing to have a lie-down. This causes a lot of rows with my husband as we have two children and both work full time so he is having to do more and more things for me and I feel he resents this. I have asked various organisations if we qualify for help and they have alll said no as I have an able bodied partner. I pay someone to do my ironing and gardening to take some strain off my husband, but I can't afford to pay for any more help and so struggle to do things myself. I also sit and cry and worry about how much worse things will get, but can't talk to my partner as he says I am whining. I have been told that there is not enough room to attempt an operation on my syrinx, so I have an MRI scan every year. If it grows the neurosurgeon has got to decide whether to risk paralysis by operating or leave it and risk it by the syrinx getting bigger. If you need to talk to someone you can talk to me as it would be nice for me to speak to someone who understands how you I am feelingas well
Post a Comment