My Struggle W/Depression

Depression is an evil monster that's very hard to conquer.

I struggled with severe depression from the day I came home in Sept. '06, (I don't even remember the day, it was all a daze once I went to rehab), until the beginning of April '07. Then again in late April, when I was sent for a wheelchair evaluation. Thank GOD, this time it didn't last long. I've also struggled off and on, when either suffering, an increase in current symptoms or new symptoms. It's a constant struggle but now I know I have to accept, adapt and move on with my life.

Once I came home from rehab, Sept. '06, I was in a constant state of depression. All I did was wake up, cry, nap, cry, eat, cry, sleep and cry some more. No television, music or even conversation throughout the day. I talked when my family came home from work, only as much as I needed to. On the weekends, I had the same routine, only more conversation throughout the day.

I had home therapy two or three days a week, for 6 weeks. During that time, I socialized with the therapist and talked about what I was going through. She provided great support and a listening ear. She was kind and provided all kinds of techniques that might be helpful in getting my ability to walk and drive back on track. I tried staying open to all the exercises. We took short walks from the driveway to the porch, each time. I had a constant tremor in my legs (tremor/shake - same thing) the entire time. When nothing changed over the 6 week period, I became even more depressed (I didn't think that was possible).

After home therapy, I had 24 weeks of out-patient therapy. The therapist was great and provided a home exercise program. I rode a stationary bike, walked the halls leaning on his shoulders (while he sat in a rolling chair), exercised using a ball, stepped on colored mats on the floor (in any order) then had a massage and tens unit w/ice, at the end. This was productive but as soon as I got home, I was in a tremendous amount of pain with increased tremors and would spend the off days in bed.

When I was no longer in therapy, I tried keeping up with the exercises and riding the bike but I would become weak, exhausted and would be in so much pain, that it was no longer productive. Not to mention how much time I was spending in bed from the fatigue. I would need a nap after taking a shower so it would stand to reason that the exercise would knock me out for the rest of the day. Halfway through therapy, I became discouraged but I tried to remain hopeful. When it was apparent that nothing would help with the pain and tremors (especially the tremors, so I could drive again), I cried and cried all over again.

During a time when I was engulfed in tears, I received a visit from a nurse w/the long-term disability carrier. She did her exam and was totally shocked at the intensity of the leg tremors (I didn't have them in my arms yet or maybe they had just started, can't remember). She spoke with my husband and then watched me try to walk w/a walker. I talked (through tears) for a while and she listened. Then she mentioned that I needed to get involved with an on-line support group to help me through the grieving process of having to deal with losing so much independence at one time.

I searched the Internet and found ASAP, http://www.asap.org/ then went to the message boards. I never had the chance to tell her that she led me in the right path to finally move from depression to acceptance. For the first few weeks, I only read the information posted in all the forums. After that, I got involved and have remained involved to this day. After reading posts for those few weeks, I started watching TV again. Once in a while, I even listened to my IPOD. Thank GOD, I made it through the worse (6 months) depression in my life.