Update

This week is starting out better than the last few weeks, thank GOD. The mornings are difficult no matter what I do. I've tried it all, changing med times, turning continuously through the night, etc. You name it, I've probably tried it. I can't stop the pain from being less than a 10 when I wake up in the morning.

No one knows how hard it is to "know" your day will always begin bad. It sucks, and some days I can't stop the thoughts I have of "I just don't want to be here". I'm tired of living like this and no one in my family understands, or "gets it".

It's no big deal to everyone around me and I don't understand how they could not "know" how hard it is. It's so easy for others to say "you have to be here for your family". I know because I can distinctly remember saying this when my sister was ill. I never dismissed her pain or anything else she was going through. However, I admit, that I didn't understand, until now, how hard it was for her to be here every day and be this sick. I know she was much sicker, towards the end, than I am now, but I understand that it's all the same when you know (and have debilitating symptoms that remind you) you won't get better because each day you only get worse.

You're bothered with the symptoms you have each day and, any given day, you have to be bothered with new, or an increase in existing, symptoms. I'm so tired of it all. The little things and the big things, equally.

I've done it for two years, and to be honest, I'm not even sure how I've survived this long, but for the grace of GOD. I'm tired and worn out and I'm not sure how much more I can handle. I'm not saying I don't want to live, I'm saying "I don't want to live like this".

It is the worst living nightmare of my life. Through it all, I continue to smile as I've done my entire life. I smile through the worst, and best, of times.