What Have I Been Doing to Manage

Managing my life from day to day has not been easy. I have loads of physical help from my husband and kids for which I am very thankful to have. The physical help is half the battle. The emotional help from friends and ASAP has been wonderful, so many thanks to them also.

Having Hope:
In the months that followed the beginning of the tremors in my legs, I had very high hopes that this part of my life would all be over soon and I would get back to life as I knew it. Once I began to feel better from the surgery, I never felt comfort from being off work. I missed work because it gives me a chance to keep busy (my mind works 24/7), socialize and spend time with people outside my family. If you're around your family 24/7, you will never have a chance to experience the feeling of missing them.

Every time I had an appointment w/my doctor, I became more discouraged that, healing and no longer having these tremors, was further away. A month turned into months and I became more depressed with each month that passed.

Acute Rehab, In-home therapy, Out-patient therapy. Each time I finished a round of therapy, I became more depressed and less hopeful.

Being Depressed:
I began to realize that I was getting more and more depressed but didn't understand why. Especially when I was so hopeful of returning to work and getting my life back.

However, as time passed, I realized I was extremely depressed with good reason. Although I was surrounded by people who love and care about me, they were also the same people who I couldn't express what I was going through/feeling with. I was realizing that this little incident was becoming a bigger issue that I had to work harder at fixing. I actually thought I wasn't doing enough even though I worked so hard to gain my life back. Can we say "Depression"?

How could I break out of this mode? What could I do, despite what was happening, to move forward in my life?

Moving Forward:
I had already begun having new symptoms that had been reported to my doctors. After, at least 6 months of depression, I had to figure out what I could do to get through this depression period and manage these symptoms so I could smile again (and mean it). That's around the same time I found ASAP and other sites and started to learn what I could about SM.

Learning to Manage:
While learning about this illness, I began to feel strong again. However, without realizing how I was hurting myself, I started trying to do the things I did before the illness. Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way, that I couldn't do all the things I once did.

By doing things like, (cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, trying to walk longer w/the walker, anything that required lifting, etc.), I was never allowing my pain level to get to a point where I could manage. I could no longer do these things, it was a very sad awakening but w/the support and help from my husband, I managed to let go.

By letting go of activities and chores that caused an increase in pain, or caused extreme fatigue, I realized I could have a life with this illness. Although, very limited (not to my liking), it's still a life. It's boring, demeaning and very frustrating but at least I can now function. I still have to rotate from my bed, to my chair, to propping on pillows, and back to bed, but I'm here and dealing with increasing symptoms and depression much better.

When I choose to get out of the house (once a week and for special occasions), I know, from experience, that I will have an increase in symptoms.

I would rather live with several days in bed recuperating after being in the real world (with my family), than being in my bedroom keeping the pain and other symptoms at bay.

I have to remember, each and every day, that the sun always shines and so shall I, until I can't. I try, every day, to still have some level of hope, to keep smiling, and to be here with my family.