Friends

Before I became ill, I had many friends. I was always out and about town with friends, going to happy hours, dinners or whatever came up.

When I first took ill and, changed jobs, I had more friends than I could count, even on my hands and toes. We saw each other often, talked on the phone or communicated via email. During that time, my driving was very limited due to the amount of back pain I was in. I began to socialize less because the pain was too much or the distance (for a get together) was further than I could drive. I would have to cancel events at the last minute or spend less time on the phone. My friends told me they understood, but in reality, they really didn't. My list of friends began dwindling away.

I was misdiagnosed a number of times before I was actually diagnosed with SM. When I first changed jobs, it was MS. I was devistated because I have family and friends in the last stages of MS. However, MS was incorrect, but because MS and SM share a lot of the same symptoms, it was an honest mistake. MS effects the brain while SM effects the spinal cord. Knowing I had SM left me just as devestated.

When I was hospitalized, there were no phone calls, visits, flowers or cards from "all the friends" I thought I had. Only three friends came to visit and were truly concerned with how I was doing and what I was going through. They did bring Starbucks, flowers, books, crossword puzzles, etc., which was an extra surprise. These three friends would call to see how I was doing. Two of them also visited while I was in Rehab.

When I came home, I couldn't drive (I still can't) due to the uncontrollable tremors. So, I would invite friends over, only five friends actually came to visit, and that was during my recovery period. One friend came every Thursday and it was wonderful. I was depressed but I looked forward to every Thursday. The two friends that came to the hospital and rehab, continue to visit off and on or we communicate via email. Two friends from a previous company came to visit once. Another friend came to visit and took me to lunch once. We've talked once or twice since. Another friend began to visit. We soon became close friends, and now, whenever I'm up to it, she'll come over and we'll stroll around the neighborhood and/or enjoy time sitting on the porch.

Today, I have the same friend that strolls around the neighborhood with me. I have the two long term friends that come to visit every once in a while (maybe three times a year). The friend that came every Thursday, has visited once (maybe twice) since she started working last year. She calls once in a while but it's hard because of my hoarseness. She can't really hear me, so I apologize and keep trying, but I can't get any louder because of the hoarseness. My voice gets too strained and I get frustrated, so basically, we don't talk on the phone that often.

I admit that it's difficult to go out with friends because of my wheelchair (it's very heavy). However, there's no excuse for not visiting.

My friend (we'll call her NL) will visit today and I'll try to stay out as long as I can before either the pain becomes too much, or the hoarseness begins to strain my vocal cords (it starts hurting at that time).

I've gone from more friends than I could count, "to five". It's very hurtful, knowing that those you once thought of as dear friends, "aren't". It's hurtful because you know they don't want to be bothered with you because you're too sick and/or you can't drive.

I could see if I were the type of person who sat and talked about myself and what I'm going through, the whole time. However, that's not the kind of person I am. If they ask how I'm doing, I'll tell them. If they ask for details about my symptoms or my disorder, I'll tell them. That's it, though. I like to know how they're doing, you know, live vicariously through them. I'm a talker and a good listener.

It's amazing that they don't even answer my emails anymore. What's up with that?! Thankfully, I have two male friends that will answer my emails. One of them frequently sends me motion pictures of him and his adorable puppy, or jokes. Yep, it's very hurtful. You begin to know just how alone you are. I never thought anything like this would happen to me.

During times when I need a shoulder to cry on, who can I turn to?!? My family considers me too strong to cry. I don't want to burden (with my tears) the five friends I still have. Thankfully, NL will drop whatever she's doing to help me when I'm down. When it's all so overwhelming, all I can do is cry. NL is more of a mother figure. She's much older, however, "she's here"!

I can't forget my dear friend LH. We met at work and she has been a friend since 1998. She has never visited me in my home. However, for ten years, we have talked on the phone every other day or so.

Anyway, today I have five friends and I'm blessed to have them. A true friend will be with you through thick and thin, good times and bad times. When the nurse and bath aide completed their four weeks with me, NL told me she would gladly take over the responsibility of taking care of me every day. That's a true friend that I'm blessed and happy to have in my life.

I have a wealth of support, understanding and encouragement from the many friends I have made at ASAP. We lean on each other when times are hard. I'm thankful and blessed to be involved in the ASAP community.

If I'm up at 11:00, I'll visit with NL today. She's absolutely wonderful, caring, helpful and endearing.

I hope everyone is having a blessed day!